A Letter To The Child I Once Was

On October 7th, 2005, my mom died. The little girl I used to be was going through hell, and I'd give anything to comfort her. If I could write a letter to the child I once was, this is what it would say.

To The Child I Once Was,

Her funeral is today. The shock has faded; reality set in. She isn't coming back. I know the pain and terror you're feeling is excruciating. You feel so alone, even though you're surrounded by dozens of people in the same green velvet pews you've been sitting in your whole life.

At times, life is hard and downright unfair. Now it'll be more challenging than you ever could have imagined. At the tender age of twelve, you already understand that nothing will ever be the same. Your world has been turned upside down, and you have no clue what's on the path ahead of you. Normal is a thing of the past.

You have a lot of hard days ahead of you. Days when you would give up everything in this world for just one more conversation with her. I know how hard it is. I know how scared and angry you are right now. And I know how badly you wish none of this was really happening. It's okay to feel the way you do.

At this moment, your grief feels like a fresh wound in your soul. Every thought of her, every memory, every milestone causes searing pain. But eventually, your grief will fade like an old scar, getting ever lighter until you can only see it when you look for it. It'll always be there, but it won't hurt so bad one day.

When things are especially rough, lean on your people. Your brothers and sister would move mountains for you, and one day you'll be three little girls' favorite aunt. You'll also find yourself smack in the middle of a group of friends that feel like extended family. Life is gonna throw even more your way, so remember the ton of people who love you, and let them take care of you when you need it.

One day, you'll reflect on the life you've built, the wonderful people surrounding you, and the phenomenal memories you've created, and out of the blue, you'll realize that you're mom would be proud of the intelligent, adventurous, compassionate woman you've become. The good days outweigh the bad, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. So keep an open mind and heart, and live your life expecting the extraordinary and appreciating the ordinary.

All my love,

The Woman You'll Become

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